dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize