she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
