Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize