God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
