i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
