When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
