Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
