haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
