forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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