a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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