I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i now understand why vodka
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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