Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
