It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize