I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
