Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
