she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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