i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
