My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
