My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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