I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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