Where is the hickey?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
