Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
