he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
