I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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