I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know her cup size but not her name....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
