shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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