Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize