Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I want her autograph on my taint
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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