I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
