I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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