So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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