I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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