Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
