I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
