if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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