is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
