Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
