My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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