So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
