I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want a musical about memes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
