his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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