I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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