You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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