I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
