I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
