the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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