I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
