just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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