i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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