What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
