You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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