Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize