she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
