Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
