Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
