I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
