I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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