Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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