my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
