a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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