I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
