That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
