Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
