remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize